Withholding sex as punishment

Here’s what someone said to a friend who was denying her partner sex or withholding sex as punishment for some frivolous reasons:

“Better go sleep with your husband before someone else ends up sleeping with him! Unless you don’t want the marriage anymore, then it doesn’t matter; but if you do, babe run fast and go sleep with him like your life depends on it!”

The recipient of the message was so unhappy that the friend didn’t think about her feelings, or what her husband might have done but only to scare her and make it look like it’s her fault or sex just can’t be used as a reward for doing good.

But truth is, the friend had faced that sad experience before and was just saying the hard truth: withholding sex to get the good out of a spouse does not always work and can blow up in your face. Sex can be used as a reward for doing good but it also shouldn’t! Sex in marriage isn’t supposed to be optional. Neither is it supposed to be used as punishment.

Like it or not, the reality is that someone somewhere is always desiring your spouse and nursing the thought of sleeping with your spouse, and when you give them the chance out of negligence, they will. Oh yes, they will! And it will happen so fast before you realize it. When you play the loose with your spouse and they run dry on emotional satisfaction, you are only just slowly pushing them into the arms or bed of another.

Emotional detachment is something you must prevent in your marriage at all cost because you run the risk of losing your spouse once that connection fizzles out. And for many out there, it doesn’t matter to them whether it’s for a short spell, a day or two; if they get your spouse, they will seduce them with torrents of all that you are not giving them just to snatch them from you.

Sometimes, withholding from someone what’s fundamental to his/her survival can blow up in your face because they will always get it one way or the other. If respect is fundamental to a man and you withhold it, he will automatically seek it from or be easily drawn to another who offers it.

People are naturally attracted to and crave what they like and not what they dislike. Human beings love sex and crave it…and till eternity, people will always be tempted by it. That’s just the truth. This is something their life depends on and it makes them vulnerable to the extent that they could potentially go against their will to have it elsewhere when you refuse to offer it. They are not addicted to sex; it’s just a basic need for their well-being and survival. You say sex is not for survival? A billion marriages die from the lack of it, hello?

So, what’s the point? It’s simple: punish with anything but not with sex. Punish with anything but not that which is fundamental to a spouse’s survival.

©Mark Gadogbe (McApple), 2018

15 thoughts on “Withholding sex as punishment

  1. Why is this only about women not having sex with men? Isn’t that biased? SO many men suck or are selfish in bed, at least as many as women.

    And what do you mean sex isn’t optional? If your spouse wants sex today and you dont want sex today, are you suggesting that you should do it anyway ?

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Oops! I must apologize if it comes out that way. Actually the post is directed at both spouse but I must agree the use of the example made it a little skewed or appearing bias which was not intended.

      And oh, saying sex is not optional is not to suggest that a man should force himself on a woman when she’s not in the mood for sex. Understanding is always key in marriage and wisdom should guide in reaching healthy compromise. I don’t think a married man should blatantly reject his woman’s good reason for not wanting sex even when he wants it but if the motive is just to keep a partner away for as long as it takes, then that might be problematic. I think I was simply trying to say in the context of the theme of the post (withholding sex as punishment) that sex is a marital obligation and as all marital obligations, shirking that responsibility can cause problems. Just like saying taking care of one’s family or children is not optional. As such, couples must try to find a way to fulfill the need (obligation) of sex in marriage and not deny each other unnecessarily.

      Just what I think…may not work for everybody though as every relationship has its own peculiar issues.
      Thanks so much Amanda for pointing these out.

      Liked by 3 people

  2. But, sadly, many wives do use sex, or rather the withholding of it, as a weapon or club against their husband. It is a power dynamic that harms the marriage. Sure, some men do this as well, but from the comments and marriage blogs that I have read over the past several years, it appears that this is a tactic of women more often than of men.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Very true observations. It sure comes back to hurt the marriage. We pray both partners in a marriage prioritize sex and apply wisdom and understanding in that area.
      As usual, God bless you for your kind words 🙏

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Most marriages have hit bottomless pits due to “withholding sex” more often tactfully perpetrated by women..

        Liked by 2 people

      2. Very true! Withholding sex is surely a danger to every marriage. Whoever uses that approach to get a partner to change is surely being deceived by the devil 😊🙈.

        Liked by 1 person

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