Why don’t you discuss sex while dating?

While dating, there’s that huge temptation of being interested in actually having sex than discussing the subject of sex and your expectations of sex in marriage. Majority of cases, you can bet that subject is not broached at all. One seems to wonder then, how do lovers jump from talking about sex to rather how many children they will want to have and what kind of home they will want them growing in? Sex precedes children (it’s actually what leads to children), so why don’t lovers discuss the sex itself before bringing in the topic of kids? Why assume everything about your sex life in marriage will just fall in place?

It’s fair to say that most dating relationships have little conversation about sex, forgetting that a great percentage of success in marriage depends on how you handle your sexual expectations in marriage. You may be surprised sex sometimes happens less frequently in marriage than you expect (after telling yourself you will have so much once you marry). And when that happens, how do you handle that mountain of unmet expectations?

Like Dr. Kim Kimberly puts it, “it is interesting that we live in a sex-charged world, yet talk so little about it in our marriage relationships. I think that going into marriage I felt like I knew all that I needed to know and that a great sex life would just happen. That theory didn’t hold water very long“.

There are a lot of realities about sex to discover in marriage than is out there or you may have even experienced in your many bouts of pre-marital sex. Everything else is different in marriage and you will get to learn that you need a lot more than just the sexual compatibility or attraction that makes you want to test the “forbidden waters” before locking it down. No matter how much effort you put in the “doing sex” rather than “talking sex” before marriage, chances are things will be a whole lot different in marriage even with all the experience you may think you have gained with pre-marital sex.

Married sex is a game changer and you can sometimes be left disappointed if you just assume things will just pick up perfectly once you’re married. You’ll be surprised you’ll have to learn loads of patience, experimenting, empathy, forgiveness, listening, understanding and a lot of “rewriting of scripts” from your pre-marital escapades. Very few couples get their sexual expectations met right from the honeymoon. You may be surprised to discover that very few people get it right from the word go, even for those who have been sexually involved before marriage.

It becomes therefore very important to have realistic expectations of and discussions on sex before you enter marriage with a truck load of fantasies and thinking you have mastered the act or got it all together in your head how things should play out.

OK, so here’s where we end for today. Till next time, do share your thoughts with us. Will love to hear them…we learn as we share!

©Mark Gadogbe (McApple), 2018

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The money and sex game in dating relationships

Often times, we all come across questions like “should I give in to my boyfriend who keeps demanding sex? ” and it’s various variants. The usual and most sensible (or religious) response is of course don’t; never ever to a man you are not married to!

While those responses are very good (even though it’s easier given than practiced), I will definitely add that don’t you as a lady also constantly demand for money from him or make him spend on you!

That may appear an unfair addition but often times, there’s almost always a correlation which sometimes may not respect religious rules. Truth (for me) is that, whether you like it or not, the moment a man begins to spend his money on a woman he is not married to, he is most likely to start placing demands that often include sex. Somehow, he feels entitled to it.

Money is a man’s sweat and blood and every man naturally expects to get something back (returns) on money spent (their investment). Men have always made that very clear, sometimes in seemingly subtle ways. If the man you’re dating hasn’t, chances are sooner or later he will give you that hint of a “red flag” unless you stop being “dependent” on him financially.

The times we live in now, even the best of Christian men, who will be honest to themselves, will tell you that they are not just born generous so that they can continue to be a “milk cow” or “cash cow” for the “Christian Sisters”. I’ve spoken to a few Christian brothers and that seems to be the general line of thought. They will tell you that parting with their hard earned money has nothing to do with religion and they must naturally have the satisfaction of getting good returns on money spent. If they marry you and then spend on you, that’s great for them, but the mere satisfaction of dating and spending freely on a Christian sister “in hope for marriage” will not suffice. What if she ends up not marrying me?

Some argue that if giving sex to a man you’re not married to is wrong, then everything should be wrong also with being made to spend money on a woman you’re not married to. The crust of their argument is that money is to men what virginity is to women…they have almost equal value to the different sexes. A man values his sweat as much as a woman values saving herself until marriage. On the fun side, some said the feeling of being broke as a man is similar to the feeling of a woman breaking her virginity to some idiot. 😊

Again, some argue that, if only the women will stop asking for money at every turn in a relationship, possibly the men will not use it as a leverage to demand sex.

But the real question is, can today’s woman really decide to not live off a man before marriage? Is that even possible? The way women love money…can they really stop demanding money from the men in their lives in order to meet all their needs?

Both Christian men and women want to stay holy in their love relationships, no doubt. But men should not be made to or encouraged by Churches to run “charities” with their money in dating relationships while the women save themselves for the same mutually beneficial goal of marriage…especially in these time of clamouring for women empowerment. The empowerment must be holistic and affect every aspect of life.

Both sexes must be encouraged to save what’s most valuable to them…and it’s fair to say in these times, men seem to value money more than keeping their sexuality in check (saving themselves for marriage). Is it not true that it doesn’t worry a man that much if he loses his virginity but it worries a woman to death? Men must save their monies to spend on their wives and not their dates. The Churches must encourage that and create that balance in the call for holiness and sanctity of dating relationships.

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(Sorry and forgive me if my opinion is wrong or doesn’t make religious sense. Sometimes my carnal mind speaks unguarded 😊)

But why not share your thoughts with us? Will love to read them…we learn as we share!

©Mark Gadogbe (McApple), 2018

Love Lusts Too – A poem

Lust and love…

I sometimes don’t even know the difference

When I can’t get you off my mind

Is it love I am feeling or lust

When all I want is to make love to you and hold you close to me

Is it still love I am feeling or lust

Or is it love only when you’re married and lust when you’re not?

The feelings sometimes feel same

Like love sure coexists with lust

Maybe that’s only true in marriage

But I see lust in true love many times

So much lust between partners for the object of their love

Not people they have a fling with, but people they truly love and will die for

Then I become confused and I conclude

Maybe love lusts too. Maybe it does!

©Mark Gadogbe (Kobby McGad), 2018

Sex is a big deal 

Women usually don’t understand why men make a big deal out of sex; it’s like their whole being is wired to sex. It’s a simple answer: SEX IS A BIG DEAL!

Never trivialize sex. If it were not a big deal, a man could simply go have it with another woman and not come facing his wife’s wrath. It’s a big deal and you would know when you check the statistics on how many marriages hit the rocks over sex related issues.

Again it’s a BIG DEAL because even the Bible stresses on it a lot and even recommends that couples have sex on the regular to avoid falling into temptations. The only exception given is the 1 Cor 7:5 clause “…except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer“.

It is important to build healthy intimacy in marriage and one of the best and proven ways is through SEX.

When you trivialize sex, you risk truncating your marriage; and when the sex is dull, it saps the shine out of the marriage. There’s a reason why it’s called “intimacy”. And who doesn’t like all the many benefits of intimacy?

You can always bet the one who doesn’t may be the same one whose marriage is suffering. Why? Because it is often hard to see a couple with a great sex life or physical intimacy talking divorce. “Sex nips divorce in the bud“. So give it, and give it all; not in small tots as if it’s a harmful alcohol. It’s rather a good kind of intoxication so don’t withhold it.

Instead of getting into the habit of looking for ways not to indulge, understand that marital success hinges a great deal on sex. Let everything be good but the sex bad and u can still bet 90% that things will fall apart. So why not channel as much energy there, as you do all other areas of your marriage? If the sex is not that great, work at improving it in love…not looking for reasons to avoid it.

But whatever you decide, know that sex is one of the surest ways of keeping a man…every man. The porn industry knows that too well…else, why do you think it’s always a thriving business? The interest of man (in general) in sex, his fixation on sex, the curiosity, the adventure, the excitement, the adrenalin rush…just name them, will keep every man asking for more and making it a BIG DEAL. It’s a big deal to a man when your interest is more into anything but sex. Lol

God is not stupid not to have known that about us His most priced creations, hence the 1 Cor 7:5 reference. And don’t forget the prostitutes know that so well too…so keep looking for excuses and lose him (same goes for the men too; keep looking for excuses and lose her) to the next bidder who will put much value on what you don’t value.

Great Sex = Great Marriage

Do the maths!

©Mark Gadogbe (McApple), 2018

Marriage & Personal Development Author