A picture summarizes a thousand words!
Happy December! Happy holiday season! Happy couples movie sessions!
A picture summarizes a thousand words!
Happy December! Happy holiday season! Happy couples movie sessions!
A woman comes into a police station and tells the officer at the front desk that she wants to report that her husband is committing domestic violence against her, including committing marital rape against her.
An officer takes her into a room to begin interviewing her.
Officer: “Mam please describe to me incidents of marital rape and other types of domestic abuse that your husband has committed against you.”
Wife: “Well officer it all started 5 years ago after we got married. I turned him down when he asked for sex and he started telling me that because we had a Christian marriage, the he and I both had a right to have sex with one another, and except for short mutually agreed upon times for when were sick or otherwise unable to we ought not to turn down one another.”
Officer: “Did he force himself on you that night?”
Wife: “No – he just walked away, but I felt intimidated by the fact that he believed it was a sin for couples to deny each other, I felt pressure for the next time he wanted to have sex.”
Officer: “Ok – so tell me more.”
Wife: “I decided I needed to set my husband straight about sex. I believe every person’s body is their own and no one has a right to coerce or convince someone to have sex when they are not in the mood, not even in marriage. I shared this truth that all of us as enlightened people should accept now in modern society. I told him it is NEVER selfish for me not to want to have sex for any reason, but it is ALWAYS selfish for him to try and convince me to have sex when I am not in the mood.
I told him that I would no longer feel pressured to have sex with him, and that really sex is just a small part of marriage. I told him I believed sex in marriage was not a “right”, but a privilege and that it should only happen when BOTH he and I were in the mood because of how happy and in love we were with each other. In fact, I even told him that just because I don’t want to have sex that often, that does not mean I don’t love him, I just don’t need it that often. I said we ought to be able to enjoy our marriage with one another, without having to need sex all the time – it should happen on special occasions when we are both in the mood.”
Officer: “So how did he respond to that?”
Wife: “He asked me if he was doing something wrong in the bedroom. He asked me if he could help to put me in the mood more often. I told him it had nothing to do with anything wrong he was doing, it was just the fact that I don’t need sex that often, and he ought to respect that and accept that. He was not happy with my view on sex and said my belief was a sin according to our mutually held belief in the Bible as God’s Word. I thought overtime he would overcome his beliefs, and realize that he could take care of himself if he needed it and just be grateful for the times when I was in the mood and wanted to have sex.”
Officer: “Mam but when did he commit marital rape against you?”
Wife: “Well there were many times, that I was not in the mood, and I said No.”
Officer: “So are these the times that he forced himself on you?”
Wife: “No he did not force himself on me, but he coerced me into having sex with him.”
Officer: “How did he coerce you?”
Wife: “Well he told me that I was being selfish, and that I was sinning against God and him by denying his sexual needs. He told me if I continued denying him that we would need to go to a Christian counselor – so I gave in many times and let him have sex with me when I was not in the mood”.
Officer: “So you gave consent? Or did her force you?”
Wife: “Well he did not physically force himself, but I felt pressured because he was going to have us go to a counselor, so I just gave in and let him. But that was still rape right?”
Officer: “Uh, no mam that was not rape. Your allowing him to have sex with you when you were not in the mood because you did not want to go to a counselor was not rape. You made a decision, you decided you would rather have sex with him than go to a counselor, you gave consent.”
Wife: “Ok but later he did even more things to coerce me…”
Officer: “What things did he do?”
Wife: “He eventually got me to go to a Christian counselor, and I felt really pressured by that counselor that I had to have sex with my husband more, and that I needed to let him try to put me in the mood even when I was not – I could not believe it –who did this counselor think he was? I told that counselor he was full of garbage.”
Officer: “Then what happened?”
Wife: “Then my husband asked me after the counseling appointment if I really loved him and cared about our marriage – and I told him “Of course I do! I love our life together – we just disagree about sex”. I told him if he could just accept my views of sex our marriage would be perfect, he was a good man and I enjoyed going places with him and doing things with him. This was now two years into our marriage and we had an infant son, and my husband was such great father to our son. For some reason that was not good enough for him, he thought we needed more sex in our marriage.”
Officer: “Ok did he come to accept your view of sex?”
Wife: “No – he actually setup an appointment with the Pastor of our church and his wife! I went even though I did not want to, and our Pastor actually told me I was sinning against my husband by denying him! The nerve! It’s my body, and no one, not my Pastor, not my husband is going to tell me otherwise.”
Officer: “Mam but how did your husband commit domestic violence against you? Or when did he rape you?”
Wife: “Well after the appointment with the Pastor all of a sudden he canceled with the babysitter and stopped taking me on our weekly dates. I asked him why and he said it was because I was “sinning against him and our marriage by my willful sexual denial” wasn’t that domestic abuse? After all he was using our date night to get me to admit I was wrong about sex in our marriage.”
Officer: “Um mam – he is not required by law to take you on dates.”
Wife: “But wait – there is more. We had a new kitchen remodel that we were ready to sign papers on and he called and canceled the meeting to sign the papers to get the work started. He said the kitchen we had while outdated, was still functional and he was not comfortable with spending the money to do it. We were only cleared to get the work done based on his income, and I don’t make enough to do it on my income alone.”
Officer: “Um mam – he is not required by law to get your kitchen updated.”
Wife: “But wait you need to hear this. He used to go clean out my car every weekend. I would pick a room each weekend for him to dust and clean, and now he stopped doing that. He used to give me back rubs at least once or twice a week. Now he stopped doing that too – he can’t do that right? This is emotional abuse! This is manipulation right? He says it is “discipline” to bring me to understand God’s view of sex in marriage.
Officer: “Well mam maybe he is manipulating you or maybe he just does not want to do these things for you anymore. Either way, none of this so far that you have told me is illegal, you might not like it, I might not like it, but it is not illegal.”
Wife: “What do you mean not illegal? The law says he can’t make me do anything I don’t want to do?”
Officer: “Mam, from everything you have told me, you have done whatever you did by your own choice. You might have done it because you wanted to avoid stress, or going to a counselor, or you just did not feel like arguing.”
Wife: “But there is still one more horrible thing I have not told you – my husband changed his auto deposit of his paycheck so it no longer goes in our joint checking account, he has his own account now. He goes grocery shopping for us each week now. I used to do the grocery shopping. He gave me the credit cards that were in my name for me to pay out of my own paychecks. I work too, but I don’t make nearly as much money as my husband. I used to be able to go anywhere I wanted and spend what I wanted, but now I have no spending money. That is financial abuse right? He can’t do that right?”
Officer: “Mam is he providing food, shelter and clothing for you and your child? Is he holding you in your home against your will?”
Wife: “Well yes he is providing those things for me and my son, and no he is not holding me against my will. He makes sure my car is fully fueled every week. He gives me some cash for if I need some things during the day when he is at work. But I used to have full access to all our money in our joint bank account and I was able to do what I wanted with our money, and now he took that from me – he can’t do that”.
Officer: “Mam – why are you still with this man? You clearly don’t see marriage the same way he does and it sounds like he is either trying to teach you something or he is getting ready to divorce you by separating his money into another account. He may have even had an attorney advise him to do that with his paychecks. If you get with a divorce attorney, your attorney can get a “status quo” order, which then requires your husband not to spend any sums of money without clearing it with the court and your attorney. The court can order that he has to provide you with a certain dollar amount each week that you can put in your own account and spend as you want as you go through the divorce process and they can order him to continue paying all the household expenses.”
Wife: “Divorce process! I just want him to stop what he is doing and let us go back to our old life. I love him and the life we have. I don’t want to have joint custody of our son, I don’t want to see my son every other week, I want to see him every day! We would have to sell our home, and even if I could keep it in the divorce I would have no way to make the payments even with child support and alimony from him. I don’t want half my life, I want all my life – the way it was! Can’t you or another police officer tell my husband to stop doing these things and we can still stay married? Can we have a judge order him to take me on dates, upgrade the kitchen, put his money back in our joint account and stop asking me for sex? My girlfriends at work told me what he is doing is domestic abuse and is illegal – that means you can stop him right and force him to stop doing all this right?”
Officer: “Um- no sorry no one can do that for you. I don’t mean to get in your personal affairs mam, but it sounds like you have quite the dilemma, there is an old saying “You can’t have your cake and eat it too”. You have to make a choice, either work out the sexual issues with your husband and make your marriage work, or divorce him and try and find a man who believes as you do, that whoever wants sex the least determines how often a married couple has sex.”
© The frustrated feminist wife. Biblicalgenderroles.com (2015)
There are no lessons to be learned when a husband dominates his wife. There are no inspiring examples to emulate when a wife manipulates a husband. Marriage shows us that we are not all there is; it calls us to give way to another, but also to find joy, happiness, and even ecstasy in another.
Though there are no perfect people and relationships/marriages, it is possible that you can get to a point where you can say confidently of your partner that he/she is the “perfect” partner for you and you can’t think of anything that you would wish changes. And we can get there when we strive to offer affection before seeking perfection out of our spouses.
Affection constitutes tender expressions that result in feelings of closeness, passion, and security and results in marital satisfaction, intimacy, approval, hope, and pleasure…which can bring about perfection. For marriage to thrive, it needs frequent doses of affection which is a vital necessity for connecting with one’s spouse.
In the words of Hallifield Cosgayne O’Donnoghue:
Our husbands and wives however good, virtuous, or amiable, are yet mortal, and have the imperfections of their earthly origin: but still there are ten thousand graces and virtues, as strong to retain affection, as they were at first to conciliate it. Let it be the endeavour of both parties to cultivate a kind and affectionate feeling; let not all the little acts of attention and kindness which first won esteem and marked the progress of attachment, be permitted to terminate when it is of most importance to preserve its endearment. The cares of life will sufficiently operate to cool and freeze the current of affection; but a prompt and ready attention to every wish, an anticipation of every want, a well-timed offering, in memory of a wedding or birthday, will revive affection, and warm the coolness which would otherwise steal insensibly over the heart and affections.
Affection is vital for all healthy human relationships and when spouses cultivate the habit of being affectionate towards each other, they become emotionally bonded in a near-perfect way. Conjugal affection especially is like a delicate plant; be careful you don’t trample it. 🙂
God help us to increase the affection in our marriages!
© Mark Gadogbe (McApple)
I have discovered the above question is one of the most vital people in serious relationships or considering marriage should ask themselves and their partners. And please when you do, I pray thee that you don’t make it a mere emotional question.
Does he/she love you as much as you do?? Will they go the extra miles with you?
Should you despair over a relationship gone bad…take a minute and think about the person who has never known what it’s like to love and be loved in return.
“Feelings come and feelings go and feelings cannot sustain a relationship”
— Ann Voskamp
A gamble on love
So much like the casting
Of “He loves me, he loves me not” lots
Feels like the spoil of life’s bliss
Like a drain of one’s life
A “if wishes were horses” feeling
A joint experience of love
That only remains a wish and a dream
A strange loneliness
In an affair meant for two souls
A longing unsatisfied
A love unnoticed
A love unreturned
A love true but in vain
Could be the worse experience of love
Yet the overcoming like a necessary evil
“Men by nature are less emotional than women”
The above is true and most women admit it; at least conceptually.
In practice however, many a man craves his woman really really knows, understands and appreciates how hard he tries to meet her very diverse and unpredictable emotional needs. A woman’s display of emotions sometimes confuses many a man; many times he is lost at sea about what exactly she is trying to communicate. Women are such an emotional tank and I’m sure they don’t sometimes understand themselves and the many different emotions she experiences on a daily basis.
But is it only men who try hardest to meet their partner’s emotional needs or get confused trying to understand a partner’s emotional expressions and relate accordingly? Not so much. On a daily basis, every partner wants the other to get more in touch with his/her emotions…kind of like how their emotions synchronize during sex? The problem is that in many cases, emotions just don’t seem to synchronize that much outside the bedroom. Maybe because couples are just more focused on each other in the bedroom than they do outside the bedroom? Haha!
Emotional differences are such a huge thing though, and on an almost daily basis, men and women fight so many emotional wars in marriage. What happens at the emotional level is very important in every relationship/marriage and that is why the most important thing about any quality time a couple will spend together and that is worth remembering is not the length of time spent itself but whether or not there was an emotional connectivity.
Emotional battles never end in marriage and I do not know yet if couples ever achieve a permanent “emotional compatibility” status but I think “emotionally intelligent” marriages stay stronger, healthier, happier and maybe longer.
Emotional intelligence? Hmmm, not an easy skill to master…but every relationship/marriage sure needs it! And I can bet, when all is said and done, that one of the joys of relationship/marriage is the privilege of a man and woman, different as they are working through their different emotions and still bonding as a unit.
We can never pray our emotions away. They are a beautiful part of our nature. So like Barbara Rainey said, “we are made in the emotional image of God, so we shouldn’t be afraid of those feelings when they crop up”. Marriage is beautiful…so relax and enjoy the emotional wars! At least it’s not so bloody!
And I think you will need this… just in case:
Mark Gadogbe (McApple)
Some people are not very forthcoming with words…but you can’t build a strong healthy relationship without communicating appreciation verbally. They prefer to hide behind actions to communicate what and how they feel, after all, doesn’t “actions speak louder than words”? Yeah, they do most often…but they also sometimes hide the exact feelings we wish to express or just may not carry as much weight as words.
Sometimes, gratitude that is not expressed by words is just nonexistent. The more you fail to communicate your appreciation verbally the more likely your significant other may feel taken for granted, especially when s/he is not good at reading through your actions. Sometimes it may just be as frustrating as trying to read a person’s mind…so be verbally expressive with your feelings of appreciation. Remember “what’s taken for granted will eventually be taken away; then you end up missing most what you least appreciated”.
Appreciation is a great thing in relationships and must be done very often…even in honour of the little supposedly “insignificant” things. It’s as simple as “when you value someone, you appreciate them”.
When you appreciate your man, he surely will appreciate you in return…it’s like action and reaction, cause and effect. So always find the words to tell him he is a good and hardworking man who tries his best to provide for you and the family and he will surely also not focus on your “irrelevant” flaws. Every man wants an appreciative woman who sees and acknowledges how hard he tries!
Similarly, keep telling her she is the best woman, wife, mother and homemaker and she surely will not also call you unhealthy names that ends up doing so much damage to your ego.
The secret? “A person who feels appreciated will always do more than what is expected”. Your willingness to put it into words is all that is necessary.
You can’t demand or command appreciation in a relationship/marriage when you do not give it yourself.
Learn it and earn it!
But hey, let not thy appreciation be false.
Mark Gadogbe (McApple)