Why don’t you discuss sex while dating?

While dating, there’s that huge temptation of being interested in actually having sex than discussing the subject of sex and your expectations of sex in marriage. Majority of cases, you can bet that subject is not broached at all. One seems to wonder then, how do lovers jump from talking about sex to rather how many children they will want to have and what kind of home they will want them growing in? Sex precedes children (it’s actually what leads to children), so why don’t lovers discuss the sex itself before bringing in the topic of kids? Why assume everything about your sex life in marriage will just fall in place?

It’s fair to say that most dating relationships have little conversation about sex, forgetting that a great percentage of success in marriage depends on how you handle your sexual expectations in marriage. You may be surprised sex sometimes happens less frequently in marriage than you expect (after telling yourself you will have so much once you marry). And when that happens, how do you handle that mountain of unmet expectations?

Like Dr. Kim Kimberly puts it, “it is interesting that we live in a sex-charged world, yet talk so little about it in our marriage relationships. I think that going into marriage I felt like I knew all that I needed to know and that a great sex life would just happen. That theory didn’t hold water very long“.

There are a lot of realities about sex to discover in marriage than is out there or you may have even experienced in your many bouts of pre-marital sex. Everything else is different in marriage and you will get to learn that you need a lot more than just the sexual compatibility or attraction that makes you want to test the “forbidden waters” before locking it down. No matter how much effort you put in the “doing sex” rather than “talking sex” before marriage, chances are things will be a whole lot different in marriage even with all the experience you may think you have gained with pre-marital sex.

Married sex is a game changer and you can sometimes be left disappointed if you just assume things will just pick up perfectly once you’re married. You’ll be surprised you’ll have to learn loads of patience, experimenting, empathy, forgiveness, listening, understanding and a lot of “rewriting of scripts” from your pre-marital escapades. Very few couples get their sexual expectations met right from the honeymoon. You may be surprised to discover that very few people get it right from the word go, even for those who have been sexually involved before marriage.

It becomes therefore very important to have realistic expectations of and discussions on sex before you enter marriage with a truck load of fantasies and thinking you have mastered the act or got it all together in your head how things should play out.

OK, so here’s where we end for today. Till next time, do share your thoughts with us. Will love to hear them…we learn as we share!

©Mark Gadogbe (McApple), 2018

Lessons on sex

All other knowledge may get outdated but never the knowledge on sex. Lol.
If you could remember, what was your first lesson on sex? I asked myself that question recently and I bet just like many others, my first lesson on sex (and probably the only lesson I ever got from my Christian parents) was to simply abstain from sex…without even knowing or being told what sex is in the first place. Haha. Our Christian parents see sex as a very dangerous zone so they never go beyond “abstain” to openly discuss it with their kids…all the while assuming, hoping and praying that will be enough information to keep their kids sexually pure, to wit, virgins for life. Lol
It’s a good thing to never want your kids to do it, before marriage especially, but reality is that they might break your heart…they might not wait that long. They might surely experiment along the line.
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But like I always say, when it comes to sex, innocence with knowledge is far better than innocence without knowledge. It’s better to have good knowledge about sex and not engage in it, than to not know anything about it and engage in it. Sometimes, too much naivety with sexual matters can lead to your own undoing.
Seriously, talking to your kids early about sex is all good. They need to know early about God’s design for sex, the when, how and why.
OK, enough of the preamble. Today I’m sharing a few lessons I gathered recently on sex:
LESSON 1: “The average Christian has bought a bucket-full of lies regarding sex. Those lies may be so embedded in your thinking that they feel a lot like truth. The essence of who you are sexually and how you approach intimacy in your marriage is in your thought life. To the extent the enemy has infiltrated your thinking, God’s truth about sex will remain on the pages of your Bible and never make it to your bedroom. The battle begins and ends with your thoughts”
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You need to realize that there are so many lies out there that it becomes so hard to know sometimes who is saying the truth.
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LESSON 2: “While sexual restraint is the challenge before marriage, uninhibited sexual expression is the challenge within marriage”
LESSON 3: “Within the covenant of marriage, erotic, exciting sex is a worthy pursuit for both the husband and the wife. A godly marriage should include frequent and satisfying sexual intimacy”
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LESSON 4: “I think many Christian couples have no idea what freedom they have in the bedroom. God made the marriage relationship a safe place for a husband and wife to explore, experiment, laugh, and get lost in sensational sex”
LESSON 5: “Every marriage experiences some obstacle in physical intimacy. Differences in desire, medical issues, baggage from poor choices in the past, a poor body image to name just a few”. Simply, a great sex life requires a great deal of effort…not laziness.
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LESSON 6: “The enemy will do anything he can to put you in the bedroom before you get married. And he will do everything he can to keep you out of the bedroom after you’re married”.
If you read this, you are blessed because you now know a lot more than just abstinence. You’ve gained some extra knowledge. Haha.
We’ll love to hear your thoughts. Share with us in the comment box.

© Mark Gadogbe (McApple), 2017

Marriage & Personal Development Author

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