Temptation

If you have been tempted in some areas and you have not fallen, it doesn’t make you a superman. Maybe you have not been really tempted yet in the area of your weakness or possibly the area of your greatest need which is not being met.

One of my favorite quotes has always been “wherefore let him that thinketh he standeth take heed lest he falls“.

That quote always keeps me silent many times when people are talking rubbish and going all spiritually hyper – being overconfident, self-righteous, judgmental and feeling immune to temptation.

You think you’re Jesus? 😜

Marriage exists because sex exists?

There is a saying that many hold as true that “marriage exists because sex exists” and I’ve been trying to wrap my head around it.

Does that expression mean that many of us wouldn’t marry or even consider marriage if not for sex? Does that make marriage a “way of escape” so one can have their “hot and holy sex” devoid of the guilt of sin?

But how come then that many people marry so they can have “unlimited opportunity or access” to free, uninhibited, holy or guilt-free sex only to get stuck in the reality that sex even happens frustratingly less often in marriage than they expected? Is it sane then to just bluntly recommend marriage to young people struggling to control their sexual urges, drives and appetites as if marriage really will solve their problem?

I have heard countless testimonies or should I say confessions of people who MARRIED FOR SEX and ended up becoming more miserable than before. There are sad stories of people who could not even express their sexual freedom in marriage, which apparently was supposed to be the realm where they could have all the sex they want, but now rather feel imprisoned by it because they have to literally “beg” their spouse before they could even get some sex.

Talk of the frequently unmatched libidos, work schedules, stress levels and the countless reasons partners give to avoid sex on the regular, it becomes detestable to some Christians that they no longer have authority over their own bodies (biblically) to even explore other ways of sexual satisfaction except to wait on their partner until they are in the mood to offer sex.

Many have begged the question “why should one be left literally at the mercy of another in marriage to have their sexual needs being met?” To force oneself on one’s partner even when your sexual needs are not being met will be totally condemned as insensitive, emotional abuse and worse case, rape (which is a chargeable offense). To satisfy oneself outside the marriage is even worse and a complete no no! Why not just have sex with oneself (masturbate) then for all the reasons one can find…to avoid the temptation of infidelity, to avoid forcing yourself on your spouse, to avoid constant arguments over sex or becoming a bother to your spouse, etc?

You may have very justifiable reasons to go the option of “sexing oneself” and that may solve some of your sexual problems but does that even make it right or is that even a safe zone in marriage? What about the risks of it becoming an addictive habit and making you desire even your spouse less and less? What about that which was supposed to be a temporal solution or alternative option in the end becoming a bigger problem than the actual lack of regular sex? Can you even openly discuss that with your spouse and would your even “unavailable, busy or uninterested in sex spouse” give their approval or interpret it as equal to cheating? Are you willing to risk breaking your marriage if your partner should chance on you “enjoying yourself”?

Christian views on the subject are even so varied and confusing if you want to convince yourself whether self-pleasure is right or wrong in marriage. Even the mere question of whether sex is a need for survival like food that one cannot do without, the Christian community cannot agree on, and you want to have just one right or wrong answer on that very sensitive subject of self-pleasure? 🤔😊

That’s just by the way, but more seriously, with all the sexual issues that throng marriages and many times wreck it, is it still fair to say MARRIAGE EXISTS BECAUSE SEX EXISTS? Is it still sane to encourage people to marry and then all their sexual needs will be solved?

Well, these seem more like rhetorical questions but more so, an evidence of my mental struggles anytime I try to read wide to keep an open mind or to broach certain subjects. 🤣🙊🙈

Thanks for reading. Do share your thoughts…we learn as we share.

©Mark Gadogbe (McApple), 2019

Needs and red flags

The very core of marriage is about meeting the needs of each other. That’s the very foundation. Destabilize that and then marriage is as good as dead. No amount of prayer will meet a man or a woman’s physical needs…at most, it will meet their spiritual needs.

The tragedy with being too spiritual is that you believe marriage is a spiritual union and so you give little attention to physical things…you think everything physical is carnal to you. Marriage may be spiritual but it is lived 100% of the time in the physical.

No marriage can survive, no matter how much you pray, without the physical and emotional needs of both partners being met. The problem sometimes is that, as our marriage evolves, we stop asking the critical questions of what our partners needs could be at every phase of the marriage. We assume we are meeting their needs but sadly, we actually may not.

Everybody changes and same with our needs. Yesterday’s needs could be totally different from today’s needs. A successful marriage is one that makes a conscious effort to continually carry out a needs assessment of the players in the marriage as the years go by. It’s not enough to only assess your needs just before marriage; it’s equally important within the marriage, year in year out.

I came across a beautiful piece by Joy Ehonwa and the second paragraph is what’s so important to me!

Joy Ehonwa wrote:

“Some marry for love and wish they hadn’t attached so much importance to it and married “sensibly” instead. Others make practical choices and later wish they had held out for love. There are no guarantees to this thing.

What sucks is underestimating the power of who you really are, and marrying someone who is unable to provide what you need, eyes wide open.

People who do this are normal people like you and me. They often suspect before the wedding that they’re short-changing themselves, and so they avoid discussing the contract.

Affection is a vital need for Ayo, but she marries a man who is aloof, because he has money and can give her the good life.

The prayer team leader doesn’t stir Dave as a lover should, but she would be a good accessory to his pastoral ministry so he goes ahead and marries her.

Nkechi needs quality time to thrive, but she marries a man who is always travelling, because time is running out and she needs to settle down.

Love is delicious – I’m a huge fan – but it is never enough to sustain a marriage. Why can’t we tell ourselves the truth about what we really need, what we can give up, what we can live without, what we can offer, and marry accordingly?”

Read that? What a beautiful piece. Guess it’s fair to say life is all about choices and we must either make the right ones or blame no one when we make the wrong ones. In serious retrospect, you would have realized you could have avoided the many pitfalls you are probably in now but you chose to ignore the red flags and treated your decisions lightly.

The lesson in here is probably to know that when it comes to marriage, you don’t make light your decisions…even though it is a chance we are all taking and just hoping for the best outcome.

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Till next time, do share your thoughts with us. We all could learn a thing or two, so don’t hold your thoughts. 😊

©Mark Gadogbe (McApple), 2018

​IN TIMES OF NEED…

I was in need.
But instead of helping me

I helped you. 

I did because I realized 

Your need was greater than mine.

But did that erase my own needs?

No, it delayed my own needs being met. 

It’s called sacrifice, fellow feeling.

Being Christian, maybe.  

But after your needs got met

You forgot to “help me help me”.

Somehow you forgot that sometimes 

Unmet needs produce more needs.

So eventually my needs did increase. 

Maybe I did mention my needs at a point.

Maybe I never did.

But somehow I thought you will just know

One good turn deserves another.

Maybe I thought you knew

How unwise it is not to return a help.

I thought you knew

Not keeping to a promise creates unsavoury reputation 

And breaks the beautiful chain 

Of being a blessing to others.

Maybe I got it all wrong.

Maybe I should have just rather helped me. 

But by not helping me help me, 

You have now created in me

A fear of helping others. 

But no, others we must continue to help

Because it’s our Christian duty to.

And our defaulters we must forgive.
©Mark Gadogbe (McApple), 2016

Marriage & Personal Development Author 

Our Everyday Reminder…

We never got to where we are by sitting down and wishing upon a star…
Had we, Astronomy would have killed our dreams thus
“…you’re actually a few million years too late. That star is dead. Just like your dreams”
Our hands thence we put to the plow…and never looked back!
We only kept looking up…drawing all our needs from Heaven’s storehouse.
Today and everyday we ask thus to remind ourselves…
“Was there a need He never met?”
No!
He met it all!
And with that assurance we know…
Our tomorrow is already taken care of!

thJJI3PS85