Marriage exists because sex exists?

There is a saying that many hold as true that “marriage exists because sex exists” and I’ve been trying to wrap my head around it.

Does that expression mean that many of us wouldn’t marry or even consider marriage if not for sex? Does that make marriage a “way of escape” so one can have their “hot and holy sex” devoid of the guilt of sin?

But how come then that many people marry so they can have “unlimited opportunity or access” to free, uninhibited, holy or guilt-free sex only to get stuck in the reality that sex even happens frustratingly less often in marriage than they expected? Is it sane then to just bluntly recommend marriage to young people struggling to control their sexual urges, drives and appetites as if marriage really will solve their problem?

I have heard countless testimonies or should I say confessions of people who MARRIED FOR SEX and ended up becoming more miserable than before. There are sad stories of people who could not even express their sexual freedom in marriage, which apparently was supposed to be the realm where they could have all the sex they want, but now rather feel imprisoned by it because they have to literally “beg” their spouse before they could even get some sex.

Talk of the frequently unmatched libidos, work schedules, stress levels and the countless reasons partners give to avoid sex on the regular, it becomes detestable to some Christians that they no longer have authority over their own bodies (biblically) to even explore other ways of sexual satisfaction except to wait on their partner until they are in the mood to offer sex.

Many have begged the question “why should one be left literally at the mercy of another in marriage to have their sexual needs being met?” To force oneself on one’s partner even when your sexual needs are not being met will be totally condemned as insensitive, emotional abuse and worse case, rape (which is a chargeable offense). To satisfy oneself outside the marriage is even worse and a complete no no! Why not just have sex with oneself (masturbate) then for all the reasons one can find…to avoid the temptation of infidelity, to avoid forcing yourself on your spouse, to avoid constant arguments over sex or becoming a bother to your spouse, etc?

You may have very justifiable reasons to go the option of “sexing oneself” and that may solve some of your sexual problems but does that even make it right or is that even a safe zone in marriage? What about the risks of it becoming an addictive habit and making you desire even your spouse less and less? What about that which was supposed to be a temporal solution or alternative option in the end becoming a bigger problem than the actual lack of regular sex? Can you even openly discuss that with your spouse and would your even “unavailable, busy or uninterested in sex spouse” give their approval or interpret it as equal to cheating? Are you willing to risk breaking your marriage if your partner should chance on you “enjoying yourself”?

Christian views on the subject are even so varied and confusing if you want to convince yourself whether self-pleasure is right or wrong in marriage. Even the mere question of whether sex is a need for survival like food that one cannot do without, the Christian community cannot agree on, and you want to have just one right or wrong answer on that very sensitive subject of self-pleasure? 🤔😊

That’s just by the way, but more seriously, with all the sexual issues that throng marriages and many times wreck it, is it still fair to say MARRIAGE EXISTS BECAUSE SEX EXISTS? Is it still sane to encourage people to marry and then all their sexual needs will be solved?

Well, these seem more like rhetorical questions but more so, an evidence of my mental struggles anytime I try to read wide to keep an open mind or to broach certain subjects. 🤣🙊🙈

Thanks for reading. Do share your thoughts…we learn as we share.

©Mark Gadogbe (McApple), 2019

On women proposing to men…

On a woman proposing to a man, a guy said:

“I don’t have a problem with that at all. In fact, I will say yes to any lady that will propose to me but she should make sure that right after that, she comes to see my parents and collect the marriage items (dowry) and marry me and not the other way round”.

Guys will always be guys huh? 😂

Men are dogs! 

I have to apologize that today’s post may be very controversial or too blunt to a select group of people or people who hold a particular opinion.

For all the ladies who blame all their relationship failures on men, I think they should go have a rethink. Call men dogs as much as you can but that wouldn’t change a thing; the worse it will do is make them more dogs to your disadvantage.

You see, because men are naturally the chasers, some of you ladies just sit down and do nothing and even after a man has won you over, you still do nothing…you still sit and wait to be chased and loved. Being at the receiving end always is the mindset of many of you ladies! Well, that’s good and men don’t mind doing that…but that’s where you are your own enemies sometimes.

Let me put it this way, the position of men as the chasers have made them learn their trade and it’s high time you ladies get up and learn yours. I’m not at all advocating that you become the chasers. Maybe when you read on, you will get it.

Do you know what a man goes through to get a woman he is interested in? Basically they do all they can to learn and get to know almost everything they can about the woman. They basically do a lot of researching anywhere, anyhow. Ask any guy and he will tell you whether he has not read one book or the other on women, looked at internet articles on women, etc. Don’t be surprised at the many men out there looking through sexual internet sites in a way just to learn how to please a woman (I’m not encouraging that though). You will even be amazed at the quantum of information out there about women. In effect, men get to know a lot of basic stuff about women (though “mysterious” beings most times).

The point is many of the ladies complaining about men sometimes know close to nothing about the men they have in their lives and how to please them so they can stick and stay. All many such ladies do is burden their men with many frivolous requests of buy me this, buy me that, send me money for my hair, shoe, dress, rent, etc. And when the few of their fellow ladies out there who do their homework well start getting their man’s attention off them, they start nagging and saying “men just can’t do without sex, they just can’t have enough of it, they can’t resist anything in pants“. I’m sorry to burst your bubble but many times it’s not just sex that keeps a man…men have very deep needs beyond sex.

Perhaps all you will ever know about men is reducing them to sex lovers…but I bet there’s a lot more about men that you have not focused your mind on to learn. You leave that to the ones you call “whores” and quite sadly though, they have learned to become good at what they do. You think they were just born that way? Ask many of them and you will know they learnt their trade. If any woman who snatches your man is a whore, then maybe there is something “good” they are doing that you’re not?

Well, men like creativity and trying out new stuff and mostly get frustrated with the same old thing, but shhss, don’t you ladies do same? Should I mention the new dresses, new hairstyles, new shoes, new jewelries, etc. that you want all the time? And isn’t that all some of you ladies focus your attention on even in a relationship? Some even claim they do it for the men, to look good for them. Well, very good…continue in that path alone.

Let me tell you my dear ladies, no man in his right sense will have a Jaguar at home and go looking out for a Kia car! Unless, there is something wrong with that Jaguar. So, learn to tend your garden very well and focus on the right things, the right priorities. Remember Mary and Martha and how the Bible said in Luke 10:42 that “only one thing is needful: and Mary hath chosen that good part, which shall not be taken away from her“. To keep a man, you need to draw attention to his very soul, the very things that make him a man, his dream, aspirations, etc. You can’t do that with just sex and neither can you do that if you don’t take time to study him well and help build him up.

Get up! and go learn something about men and discover their other elements. I tell you, men are the easiest to tame. Even the dogs you equate them with have being the best of man’s animal companion. But here’s the thing, you can’t even tame or train a dog if you know less to nothing about them! Get to work and start doing your homework well.

If you come back after reading this with those lousy remarks that men are dogs, then you are just incapable of managing a man.

You think the Bible saying “A GOOD MAN IS HARD TO FIND” is just for you quoting it aloud? You don’t even know that’s in the Bible, right? Oh, you think it’s only about “A VIRTUOUS WOMAN WHO CAN FIND“? and so you sit down waiting to be found and after you have been found you still waiting to be told what to do?

Then again, I think many of you have a crazy mentality that makes you think only men need women in their life because God said “It is not good for a man to live alone“. If it’s good for a woman to live alone, then glory hallelujah!

THE CHOICE IS YOURS as always. If you think you deserve a man in your life as a lady, then get up and go learn all you can about men and manage well that good man God blesses u with. Life is not all about wearing nice shoes and dresses and putting on nice makeup to get a man to sleep with you. Your value beyond that is what will determine if you will be kept as a life partner or ditched to the gutters.

©Mark Gadogbe (McApple), 2018

Our child Arya shall survive your fears

Of all the children in the world whose beautiful pictures get shared on the internet or social media or even make it onto invitation cards and dps, it is my own that you fear for that something bad or evil will happen to? I don’t care whoever you are, but you must be ashamed of yourselves to even think that of any child anywhere in the world. 

It’s unsettling to start with that you are even thinking the worse will happen to an innocent child and not rather praying that she will live and succeed in life irrespective of your supposed “wrong and immature decisions” of the parents. What has bewitched our brains in this part of the world to always be so backward thinking and so superstitious? And the way we go about it (the approach) as if it is our exclusive right as media or moral watchdogs to tell people what to do or not to do is so disgusting to say the least sometimes (please you won’t go to Hell for your failure to do certain things if that’s your push 😂). This is not a personal attack but I’ve had far too many “morally upright” folks trying to force their way into my personal life and business and I feel it’s right to share a few sentiments of my own. 

Truth is that we don’t assume everyone feels the same way about social media and what gets on it — and you don’t approach this sometimes very sensitive issue as if your rules are better than those of others because the honest truth is that it all comes down to personal preferences or choices. 

I have always maintained that life is freedom and it is plain stupid sometimes to want people to live their life the way you live yours. The fact that you are uncomfortable with something does not mean everybody should be uncomfortable with it. The fact that you decide as your personal lifestyle to do or not do something does not mean it should become the universally accepted rule of life or yardstick for judging moral conduct. 

Always do what makes you happy

You see eh, this year 2018 eh, I don’t want to take any nonsense from anybody. You see, we are not dumb not to know that we’re not the first to be parents and neither will we be the last. It was not you that told us whether it was right or wrong to get married at whatever age we decided to…it was not you that made the choice of a partner for us, neither was it you that financed it even at the time that we both had no gainful employment. It was not you that made the decision for us about not having a child whilst married and still in school and rather wait until now. And if God has blessed us now with a child, we are accountable only to Him. 

Having this child has been entirely our personal decision and every decision we make regarding this child throughout her life on earth will be our sole prerogative or responsibility. In this part of our world, we talk too much and want to express opinions about everything that involves the life of another…whatever we think gives us that right to, I don’t know. What’s even more sad is that we appear only more interested in killing people’s joy or pushing negativities.

You see, everybody in my family or life that has known me very well knows that it is not today that I am going to play very nice to uninvited opinions that don’t have any grounded basis but are merely sentimental and based on individual preferences. Say I’m proud or whatever, I have never cared and won’t start to care now. There are boundaries and we need to always respect them – I don’t know why people don’t know that. 

Whatever anybody decides to do with their child is none of my business; so, I don’t go about telling people whether they are treating their child right or wrong…when it borders on documented legal or cultural violations, the laws of the land will take action. So, you can put him/her in a dustbin I don’t care and you can wait until they are 18 years to be able to give you their legal consent before you feed them, bath them, clothe them, allow them to shit on you, take them out to public places, beg them to take a picture of them or show them to the world, I don’t care. It’s your problem if you want to get your child to consent before you do anything that relates to that child – you might as well keep them in your womb until they attain the legal age of 18 or get them talking the minute they are born. 

It’s entirely your problem if you want to hide your child from the whole world because there are too many evil eyes – you might as well keep them only within the four walls of your room and not take them to the hospital, school, market square, city centre, and even church (because there are evil people in church too that will want to sap the life out of your child 😂). It’s your problem if you are too afraid that because the internet never forgets and your child didn’t give his/her consent before you posted a beautiful picture of them or news of their birth, they will grow up to chance upon it and probably hate you for life or sue you. Need I ask here also, what’s the difference between not using or sharing a picture of a newborn on social media and waiting until they are 1 year or above…what consent does a 1 year or 5 years child give or waiting until they are that age means the enemies out there can’t kill them anymore? You see why your preference is simply your preference? 

You don’t have to rub your personal fears on anybody and try to make it the morally upright rule or “matured way of doing things”. Let me remain immature in my personal decisions and life choices – as long as you’re not the one feeding me, I don’t care about your “maturity titles”.

Everything you decide to do in life as an adult is your personal choice and based on your fears or experiences of life. I agree not everybody has had a positive experience in life based on their background and the families they are coming from (or the spirits that are chasing them in life) but there are no rules in life that says that your personal fears has to be my fears or your personal choices should be mine as well and that it’s wrong if I do not do what you do

We decided exclusively whether it was right or wrong to inform anybody we were expecting a child and when exactly we should, that we had put to bed, that we were naming and dedicating the child, that you are welcome to visit or not…and by extension only we will ultimately decide whether you have any part to play in the life of the child or not. When we don’t give you that exclusive right, you don’t take it because you are whoever…at best, you play a spectator role. 😂 As for being happy for us or not, we have no control over it…it’s entirely your choice. 😜

(PS: These are just personal rumblings)

©Mark Gadogbe (McApple), 2018

Break yourself free from people’s judgement 

This new year, do yourself a big favour and decide to break yourself free from negative energies…one of those is people’s judgement.

It’s never strange to find people (“know it alls”) ​expressing uninvited opinions and passing judgements about your married life and how you should conduct yourself. Forget marriage, it happens in almost every aspect of our daily lives…people telling you what to do and not to do; passing uninvited comments or opinions at any given opportunity. You must be an angel to not have experienced it. 😂

Nonetheless, what I need you to know is that, the weight of other people’s opinions and judgement is a very heavy load. You need to break yourself and your marriage free from it…until freedom comes, you will not know how much weight and burden you carried. That freedom comes in not paying attention to it, turning a deaf ear or what I usually say “multiply them by zero” 😂

There’s just this one simple truth in life: whatever you do, people will judge as right or wrong. And before you finish seeking people’s validation, you will die from mental exhaustion. 

So, just be yourself and do you! You’re the only best judge of your choices and actions. BE YOU…not them. We’re all on separate journeys and separate assignments or life purpose. 

©Mark Gadogbe (McApple), 2017

God, Sex and Marriage

I subscribe to marriage devotionals always. That’s because I always do not like a day to end without reading something on marriage…just anything, as long as it’s related to marriage. I find Christian devotionals on marriage the best choice. 

This is what I’m currently subscribed to; and today’s reading was quite interesting that I felt I should share. 

So here it goes:

Title: God Has An Opinion About Sex

Everyone has an opinion about sex. But did you know that God also has an opinion… a definite, distinct perspective? Unfortunately, many Christians have confused the voice of Christian leaders for the opinion of God. When it comes to sex, Christian leaders throughout the ages have had differing opinions on the topic. Here’s a brief sample…

Nothing is so much to be shunned as sexual relations. ~~St. Augustine.

The Holy Spirit leaves the room when a married couple has sex, even if they do it without passion. ~~Peter Lombard, respected 12th century theologian.

Intercourse is never without sin. ~~Martin Luther.

If anyone says that sex itself is bad, Christianity contradicts him at once. ~~C.S. Lewis.

A married couple gives a severe blow to the head of that ancient serpent when they aim to give as much sexual satisfaction to each other as possible. ~~John Piper.

No wonder Christians are confused. Who speaks for God? 

Ultimately, God speaks for Himself through His inspired Word. If you want to know God’s opinion, look no further than the Bible. It may surprise you that the Bible has quite a bit to say on the topic. Some of it you’ll love and some of it is difficult to accept. 

When a person like you or me has an opinion, it’s just that – an opinion. When God has an opinion, we call it something else – the truth. Truth is the one opinion against which every other opinion is measured. 

We all have thoughts and beliefs about sex that are not based on truth. Perhaps your misinformation about sex even came from Christian sources. However, if you truly want to see the gift of sexuality as it was created to be experienced, you must be willing to expose the lies you’ve believed as measured by the truth of God’s Word. 

Questions to Ponder: What are the primary sources that formed your opinion on sex? Can you identify any lies you believe about sex?

The End

(PS: Hope you found it interesting too? Let me know what you think. Share your thoughts with us)  
© Mark Gadogbe (McApple), 2017

Marriage & Personal Development Author