“At the heart of humankind’s existence is the desire to be intimate and to be loved by another. Marriage is designed to meet that need for intimacy and love. That is why the ancient biblical writings spoke of the husband and wife becoming “one flesh.” That did not mean that individuals would lose their identity; it meant that they would enter into each other’s lives in a deep and intimate way”.
~~Dr. Gary Chapman
My wife said something yesterday:
“Your willingness to learn and unlearn things helps your marriage to work. The learning is easy; the hard work is in unlearning a habit or an attitude that you have grown up with”.
I said in my mind, wow how beautiful! You can’t surely coexist with someone by forcing on them your way of life, your upbringing.
(PS: Still learning from my wife in marriage. She’s a storehouse of wisdom but she never talks on the “open market” 😜. If you want to know what she knows, you will always have to put her on the spot. Otherwise, you wait until I bring it to you. I’m the one that blogs the stuff and spreads it on social media. So I’m the one that gets called funny little annoying names too. But nothing spoil because sometimes I take the glory 😂🙈)
…and every night (if you know what I mean 😝)
Big ups to all the gorgeous women brightening every man’s world! #StayTrue! We owe you our lives.
One of the joys of being married to my wife is how her field or career in Chemistry fascinates a “layman” like me and gets me cracking up many times. The intelligence is just far beyond my small brain!
When she was doing her undergraduate thesis in computational quantum chemistry, I never understood anything, right from her research topic to her findings. The topic got reshaped a few times but I think the final topic was something like “Density Functional Theory Study of the Mechanism of Oxidation of Ethylene by Tungstyl Chloride“. No matter how many times she tried to explain her research work to me, the end result will be me shaking my head in disbelief at the “wonders she is cooking up“. Sometimes it gets her angry, other times it gets us both laughing hysterically.
In my attempt to see in reality what she was up to, I once visited her in the Computation Lab but all I saw was some “dancing molecules” on the computer screen. Since then, “dancing molecules” became a term that gets us both cracking up.
Similarly, during her masters research, one of the funniest experiences I get is when I’m talking to people about her and they ask me what research she is working on or what her research topic is.
But how can I possibly keep a topic like “Synthesis and characterization of (pyrazolylphosphinite)nickel(II) and palladium(II) complexes and their catalytic activity towards olefin oligomerization” in mind, or just by looking at the topic have the slightest idea what the research is about? My only way of escape is to say she is doing something in the inorganic field that involves catalysis. Haha.
When I first saw her topic and one of her many ChemDraw® chemical structures that literally gave me headache because I couldn’t understand what in the world it is, I immediately understood why she spends all those “ungodly hours” unreachable in the Lab.
And I must confess, I tried a couple of times to read her entire thesis with hope that I will understand something but the only pages I understood were the “Dedication” and “Acknowledgement” pages. Those were the only pages written for layman’s understanding. Perhaps it’s also because something caught my eyes on that page that lighted them up to see clearer than before? 😂
That is, I could not imagine how a whole thesis that I do not understand gets dedicated to “me myself and I“.
But well, I guess that’s one of the best things about marriage: once you marry, almost every major achievement, accomplishment, or milestone gets dedicated to you. Haha. Hope that encourages somebody to get married soon. 😂😜
The confidence that Chemistry gives my wife knows no bounds. With it, at least she’s been able to at one point in her life convince her sisters into believing that she can prepare concoctions from almost anything. 😂 😂 Who wouldn’t believe that, when a day never ends without you hearing “I’m going to the lab to prepare some reactions“?
Well, Chemistry must be a field for those with higher brains (can’t believe I just indirectly implied my wife is smarter than me 😜). Well, she’s very brilliant, that’s for sure, and I can see her doing many amazing things in the future! And from her we’ve learned that anything is possible in life once you have the almighty Chemistry and Jesus in your boat. Init? 😉
As I write this post I’m reminded today marks 7 years since I started out on this love journey with a very naive chemistry student at the time. Cheers to you Julia McGad for balancing my “chemical equations” so well! I look forward to the PhD (Doctorate) experience 😉.
(PS: This post is also to encourage and pledge support for all the amazing women (“beauties with brains”) in the STEM (Science, Technology, Engineering, Mathematics) fields to keep pushing to greater heights 💪👏😍)
©Mark Gadogbe (McApple), 2017
There are no lessons to be learned when a husband dominates his wife. There are no inspiring examples to emulate when a wife manipulates a husband. Marriage shows us that we are not all there is; it calls us to give way to another, but also to find joy, happiness, and even ecstasy in another.
“The best kind of sex in marriage is when a husband is cherishing his wife and the wife is cherishing her husband. Sex affirms each other’s beauty, worth and desirability. Neurologically, the more you have sex with each other, the more you desire each other and the less attractive other women become. This is basic brain chemistry”~~Gary Thomas
“Marriage is the hardest work that you still enjoy best”
How a man sees his woman (spouse) affects how he appreciates her. If he sees her as a gift of God to “complete” his life, one without whom his life seems to shift into a kind of unhappy existence, he appreciates her more.
If he sees her as merely a reward of or a trophy won from the sheer display of the best of his wooing skills, he may appreciate her less. It sure will be a fantastic feeling for the woman in the beginning, I believe, but she may soon begin to feel kind of “worthless” especially when the wooing stops after “acquiring” his “prey”.
And every woman I believe longs for a feeling of being “God-sent”, being valuable beyond a man’s ability to just woo or win to his side. She wants to feel divinely chosen for a man to help fulfill the purpose of God in both their lives. She wants to feel as a priceless daughter belonging to God, who cannot just be wooed by a man’s “antics”. She doesn’t want to be just a man’s pride but God’s pride too. She wants to be treated as a serious business, not just one on whom a man tries out his wooing skills. God must be part of her worth to a man; God must be part of the equation of he winning her over to himself. He must not limit her to an acquisition gained out of his own singular effort or exploits.
That’s the value a woman wants placed on her because that’s the value God places on her. That’s the daily appreciation she wants from her partner (spouse). And she doesn’t want it only when she’s done him good; the unintentional wrongs she’s done him must not negate the true worth God places on her and his appreciation of her.
But, if she wants all these, which are true and in reality the real worth God places on her, then she must play well her part also. How? She must settle ONLY for a Godly man; for only a Godly man will see her true worth to him and will daily give glory to God (in her honour) for the rare gift of A GOD-SENT SPOUSE!
So now, if your partner (spouse) has never told you verbally or demonstrated in ways that suggest that you are GOD-SENT, raise eyebrows!
Mark Gadogbe (McApple)
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Nobody knew until his death that he was battling a terrible cancer. He looked so healthy, fit, cheerful and full of life on the outside but he was sick. He had problems of his own but he was always there to offer support to others in their problems. Except for his wife, nobody knew how many nights he cried; nobody knew how many nights he felt like he was going to die any minute.
We see people everyday acting as if they are the ones with the worse problems in life. They will curse everything in their life including God, for that one “seasonal” or “solvable” problem whose solution is just delaying. How about those who have permanent conditions/battles that they have to live with for the rest of their life? Not even will they die early (they would wish) but they will live longer still. But what is the point in living quite long when you know all is seriously not well. Ironically, we find these ones embracing life the best, taking each day and moment at a time and being grateful for it irrespective of their trials.
The point is everybody is battling something! Oh yes, yours may be very glaring for all to see and you begin to think God has not been fair to you. To begin to even think that the person next to you is more blessed than you because of their seemingly all rosy and problem-free life is something you may have to rethink because you may just be shocked when that person begins to list all the problems he/she is battling in life.
There is a reason why they say “all that glitters is not gold”. You (your life) may not glitter but you are the real gold; maybe just not a polished one yet.
Sometimes people look at you and wish they are like you and whilst you thank God for such a blessing that at least you are an inspiration to someone, you again wish they remain themselves because they have no idea the enormity of the battles in your life. Of course they can’t see it because “there is no art to see the minds construction on the face”. Of course, nobody envies the life of people who have visible battles/problems in their life but sometimes I wish we envy such ones rather. Most cancers wreck havoc from the inside and I’m pretty sure nobody would envy the life of someone living with a cancer if they knew. I could imagine how many envied and wished they were like that seemingly “problem-free” good-natured cancer patient when he was alive and how many would if they knew what he was battling everyday of his life.
So you have a seasonal battle going on in your life and already all hope is lost? Do you want to take a moment and think about somebody who is full of hope and life even with their permanent battles which can strike the life out of them any minute? Your battle may be financial, marital, family, addiction, etc, but somebody’s is a silent battle of life and death.
Some have come to accept the Christian life (and God’s love) as one that should be devoid of problems/battles of any kind. They fall sick, they blame God; they lose a beloved, they blame God; they lose a job, they blame God; their marriage is not working, they blame God; anything that just doesn’t work out well, God must take the blame for being so wicked and unloving! Well, whatever we think about God doesn’t change who He is so let’s leave it at that. Just as in life we find some with very shallow experience of life, similarly we expect some to have shallow mindsets about God.
I don’t know why but two Bible verses just dropped in my spirit:
But Job replied, “You talk like a foolish woman. Should we accept only good things from the hand of God and never anything bad?” So in all this, Job said nothing wrong (Job 2:10, NLT).
Is it not from the mouth of the Most High that good and bad come? (Lamentations 3:38, ESV).
Guess that should conclude it?
Mark Gadogbe (McApple)
“Submission does not mean your husband has the final say” was the very statement that provoked the mind of a friend recently and generated a lengthy debate on the submission in marriage theme. Of course I added my voice to the heated discussion which was very revealing as I saw, appreciated and struggled to come to terms with some of the entrenched positions or perceptions held by some on the subject. On the one hand, I felt a little sad for women when I observed some of the “biblical” interpretations and stances of fellow men on the forum. And judging from the contributions of some of the females on the forum, I realized their struggle to come to terms with some of the male contributions. On the other hand, it was not surprising that a single Christian virtue submission and scriptural verses on the theme could merit very varied interpretations, viewpoints and beliefs. Yes I was not surprised because I had for a long time researched and found many different interpretations being accorded scripture.
It is a well known fact that the issue of submission is one of the sources of conflict in many marriages and must be given importance. I’m not a feminist, but I’m afraid many men are abusing the meaning and purpose of submission in marriage. My viewpoint may be wrong and I’m ready to admit that, but that’s just how I presently feel. On the other hand too, I do not entirely blame the men but will admonish all women to as much as is necessary get to know a man’s stance on submission in marriage before finally agreeing to settle down with him. This is because as it stands, submission is very important to men, however, their interpretation of it and demand in marriage thereof may surprisingly be totally different from a woman’s.
Somebody will say, there must be a single common definition or understanding of submission that all Christian homes must work with? Well, many things including scriptural verses mean differently to different Christians, isn’t it?
Ok, before anything else, I think it will be appropriate to share the few thoughts I put forward on that forum on whether or not submission means a man must have the final say that I have put together:
“First of all, I do not subscribe to allowing a man to have final say as the definition or demonstration of submission in marriage. The Bible never mentioned anything like final say…neither can that be ascribed to the Bible. To me, many men who have ego, insecurity and low self esteem problems will forever have problems with subscribing to a woman having final word in a decision making no matter how brilliant and helpful her ideas are. And I can imagine how many women feel belittled in these male-dominance mentality marriages.
To what end is this age-old perception that makes men feel superhuman over their wives?? Isn’t what my Bible preaches is that men and women are equal in a marriage partnership but each playing different roles for the success of the home??
There are moments when even the man would have to submit to the wife and vice versa. And if that’s scriptural, then where is the place for who actually has final say or trying to equate or otherwise limit submission in marriage to having of final say? I was asked during pre-marriage counselling what I understand submission to mean to me and I said one word: RESPECT!
You see, I have come to learn something: submission to me is simply a character trait and a MAN/WOMAN who has not learnt it can never give it!
And mind you, submission will always mean differently to different people.
Women are to submit…men are to love…what’s all that hiding behind words?? So submitting isn’t loving? And loving is not submitting?
Saying things like “it’s a command for the woman to submit”, “the woman is made for the man”, ”the man is the head and will be responsible or accountable before God for the woman”, etc is not good enough reason for men to boss over their women to no matter what submit to them. Come to think of it, is the submission “command” to only women? Who says a woman who has final say or in other words if a man does not have final say then his AUTHORITY or HEADSHIP is not being recognized or he is not being submitted to?
The Bible has and can say a whole lot but how even you the man applies it is what will determine the outcome you get and I put it to every man that we will achieve very little wiring our minds to commanding our wives to submit at all cost because it is whatever “command” from God. Take it from me again, it’s a character thing! If it’s not in your woman it’s just not in her; bible command or not, u will get nothing!
Again u will find that in many cases when a submission problem arises in a marriage and both parties are questioned, you realize from the woman that she is submitting in a way the man does not see or interpret as submission. It’s just like the love language thing, it means differently to different people and BACKGROUND has a big role to play. Let me tell you, there are men who will always have the final say, their wives are as cool and quiet as anything and never arguing with them as if to question his authority BUT they will still talk of submission problem! So forgive me if I sound as if I am not a scriptural or Bible word for word person. I’m always like that. Haha!
Every woman is different and so is how submission is applied in every home. Even every scripture in the Bible is applied differently by every man based on how they understand it or the Spirit interprets it to them. The problem is not the Scripture, the problem is the application. Do we see the same marriages in our churches?
Would we agree that everybody’s marriage is different yet fashioned after God or the principles of the Bible?
Far from it that I’m preaching a different doctrine or allowing modernity to corrupt my thinking. Of course not! Though we cannot pretend that we are living in different times from the ‘Bible days”, the Bible has not lost its relevance. I believe prescribing that we run marriages today exactly as in Bible days is totally out of place. Ok, maybe we can try living like Bible day husbands and wives and I bet what a party that will be!
If you ask me, I think it all comes down pretty much to knowing your woman/man very well and early too. Learn very well what submission means to each other, and then dwell with each other with understanding. Not just your own understanding as the Boss man of the house, but her understanding as well”.
Right, so those were my thoughts on the forum and I still stand by them…at least for now because I believe Christian marriages are built on principles of equal partnership and not extreme male-dominance concepts.
Now some may wonder how possible that I would say submission means respect to me. But here’s the clue: check the synonyms of respect and you will find obedience and check the meanings/synonyms of obedience and you are sure to find submission. They are very connected.
And I must say that I appreciated the essence of our Counsellor posing that interesting question of what submission means to me as a man and what submission means to my wife as a woman after going through scriptural verses on the subject. I believe he realized that our biological difference as men and women as God created us, as well as our different family backgrounds, come to bear on even our understanding of simple things and it is important that both partners are either on the same wavelength regarding certain things or at least know the mind of the other regarding it and make room for what to expect. And it is important that things as simple yet complex like submission come to the fore early enough for partners to evaluate before going into the marriage. Imagine one partner doesn’t see him or her ever coming to terms with the other’s position and demand on submission and yet doesn’t know until marriage. A marriage time bomb?
Let’s get it right; a woman deciding to submit wholly to her husband is not to give the husband the authority to rule over her like how a slave is ruled and controlled. The Faithlife Study Bible expounds on Colossians 3:18 that “a wife should not respond to her husband’s leadership with mindless obedience but her submission should be voluntary and conscious. Submission is not demeaning; it is informed by God’s relationship to the Church”.
Now let’s ask ourselves, God requires submission of us but does He deal with it the way many men are dealing with the subject with regards to their wives?
If men continue to limit their understanding of the word submission to only the superficial meaning that connotes being Bosses over their wives and relate with their wives as such, they will always have problems in this area of their marriage and their wives I bet will continue to have as many reasons as there are to feel resentment towards them. In many cases such resentments are harboured within and not communicated. And that’s like your marriage sitting on a time bomb. Get it right dear man, wifely submission is based on freedom and will, not authority, coercion or command like the military kind.
The problem I sometimes find with some men who base their demand for total submission from their wives on scriptures such as Ephesians 5:22–23 which purports to make them the only authority in the house and the only ones that need being submitted to is that they often forget that even before that counsel (I do not see it as a command as some do) was “submit to one another out of reverence for Christ” (vs 21). The writer in his divine wisdom first said submission is a two-way affair, before concentrating on the woman.
The Faithlife Study Bible on verse 22 says “a wife voluntarily following the leadership of a Godly husband exemplifies the submission Paul was suggesting” and not some “command” that must be obeyed at all times. Or does following a man’s leadership mean never questioning or raising different opinions? If so, where is the partnership then? And can we please stop making everything in the Bible a command or law cos many are not? Many (and to a large extent marital submission) are just counsels and principles that if you apply works for you and if you don’t then you don’t see any result. Even so the results will differ based on the application.
Sometimes too I wonder why some men often fume about this issue of their wives submitting at all cost because it is a “command” to when they (men) even have a bigger task so to say “to love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church (Eph 5:25-29)”. Even the Bible in the verses 31 of same scripture says the above is the sole reason why you married your wife anyways. So let men focus well on doing that and doing it well and they will be surprised how the submission will just flow without coercion. Like TD Jakes puts it “no woman wants to be in submission to a man who isn’t in submission to God”.
Far too many men are commanding submission when they are not even being men…as in being real men. Real men do not waste their time commanding submission cos the women just see it and let it flow without he even asking. How pathetic that many Christian men want their wives to feel they married a MASTER instead of an EQUAL PARTNER. Jody Collins said maybe the word that best describes submission is not ‘under’ but ‘with’. Some men often forget that in headship we submit. Yes in headship is submission because just like submission, headship is a servant role as well. At least that’s how God designed it and that’s how I see it so let’s not misrepresent it to only imply we are the Boss.
Every man’s duty in marriage is to love his wife unconditionally with no control over her submission to him!